Friday this week is my father-in-law’s first year death anniversary and my children have never failed to prioritise and take time to pay their respect at every important milestone. I am not surprised when they decided to take time off despite being in the midst of their most important exam week.
I have been asked many times how I managed to live so harmoniously with my in-laws for 30 years! I totally attributed it to their graciousness in accepting me for who I am and forever grateful for what they had done to support me and my children while I was busy building my career.
A Strong Bond
The bond they had built with my children and the love they had given were so unconditional. Towards the final years of their life, when they needed more medical attention, my children had stepped up to help support their grandparents for many of the doctors and hospital visits.
As the Chinese idiom go, 家有一老，如有一宝… having an older adult as family living with you is like having a treasure and for this I am grateful.
To Live Harmoniously
It does take two hands to clap. I must admit that I might not have been as tolerant if not for both my in-laws understanding and allowing me space to be myself. I do give myself credit for not taking any slightest sign of discontent from them too seriously.
It would be unreal to say there were no tensions…
1. They were entitled to their point of view and they had the freedom to share them with anyone. I am simply grateful that they had mostly kept to the boundary of not imposing their point of view and standard directly upon me.
2. On some very rare occasions when they told me off directly, I would just calmly walk away to take a breather. I did not see the need to defend my position nor the need to prove who was right or wrong. I respected them for their patience with me.
Start It Right
Interestingly, amongst my peer group, many of us (if not most) would not want our married children to stay with us. Despite my positive experience, I have to agree there are advantages having them start up on their own.
Simply put, relationships between two people are complicated enough on their own. Growing up in different families’ cultures; upbringing; values, lifestyle and habits are in itself a huge adjustment for both. It is therefore important that the young couple be given the space and privacy to rough it out as they learn to adjust and accept one another’s differences living together with kindness.
In-law relationships are always not limited to two people but would usually involve the entire family. The unconscious bias to impose one’s familiar lifestyle and expectations is sometimes inevitable. With a stronger couple foundation, they will be better prepared and abled to manage both respective in-laws boundaries and stay aligned to handle any potential conflicts on a common ground.
So start it right to a happier in-law relationships !
Lyn 🌻😊
Lyn, I salute to your ability to live harmoniously with your in-laws for 30 years. It is definitely not easy. But you did it!
Thank you SKL ! I am very blessed indeed 🙂
Lyn glad u had a great relationship with your in laws though often could be challenging. They were your source of support when u build your career. My son just got married last dec. thank u for sharing some tips how to start it right, build strong bond and how to live in harmony to have easier relationship with my daughter in law through your experience.
Hi Eliza, so glad you can resonate with it and find it timely.. wishing you happy bonding with your daughter-in-law !
Amazing POV! Love is the greatest gift that one generation can leave to another.
Indeed, counting my blessings….may all out there experience the same good relationship with their in-law.
Hi lyn,
Your story is so touching that you stay with your in-law. It is not easy, and you have the patience and appreciated what they have taken care of your children
Today, your children have built a strong bond with their grandparents.
It’s a fantastic bond !! Good karma
Thank you SL. Yes, it really is not a relationship to be taken for granted and requires effort and patience from both end.
Lyn, another great article. Real & proven & practical. You have help to “fast forward it for all us to learn”. Many a time, we learn it along the way, can be a long way & only appreciating more as we become older or wiser over the years. Please do not “underestimate or undermine” your roles & contributions in your great relationship with your in-laws. You need to give yourself a big pat on the shoulder 🙂 家有一老，如有一宝, this is so true. Tension & hard work, there will be, which is part of real life, are lessons for us to grow but the benefits are intangible. What our children see & experience & learn is so precious. Something you can never learn in whatever “enrichment” schools or doing a PhD. And will stay with them forever. As parents we are also the beneficiary. I was fortunate & blessed to have the honor to have my parents stay with us and thus my wife the opportunity to do likewise. Where my boys are today, I would attribute them partly to such an arrangement.
Awe thank you so much Dan, valuable and powerful sharing ! Absolutely great point on the huge intangible benefits on our children, precious learning and growth. I see that in my daughters too. We are so blessed to have this great in-law relationship and I wish the same for all around the world.
Wisely put across this complex topic! great job in putting it down for us to reflect.
Thank you Dennis, it is my wish that my readers can benefit from my simple sharing… this makes me very happy.
Thanks for sharing the in-law relationship… Glad you had a memorable nucleus family bonding with your in-laws for several years. You are lucky and your balanced expectations achieved harmonious living together. I can relate your experiences. It is good when they keep their boundaries at right level and give guidance to newly married couples and grand kids. If the in-laws don’t bias to their own kids and stay neutral to guide the person who is not right in the family… that will be awesome..!
Thanks Bp for sharing your thoughts.. yes it does take a lot of understanding and kindness from both end to make it work harmoniously. I am very blessed and I wish the same to all around the world.